This is about to get REAL sentimental y'all...

So, I've been looking at pictures on Facebook, which almost never leads to any pleasant feelings. Honestly, I rarely look at Facebook anymore because if I get a "notification," it's sent to my phone (on which I don't like to look at pictures/profiles because it's slower than molasses) and if I'm on my computer, my time spent on FB usually doesn't last more than 2 minutes after recollecting that I either don't care to brief myself on other people's lives or I don't want to look at pictures that will undoubtedly awaken in me any suppressed resentment. BUT, today, on my "news feed," I saw that a friend, Holly, recently got engaged; so, naturally, I had to attempt to vicariously experience it through the pictures. Looking at these pictures inevitably led me to explore other mutual friends' profiles/pictures, which all led to a catharsis of sorts over the displacement of all of these people I love.
I've never been the type to have a lot of friends, always just a few close ones. I think this is partly because, when it comes to purely platonic friendships, I'm always really bad at keeping in touch. Honestly, if it weren't for Clayton being my connection to the outside world, I would probably forget there is one. I'm probably the least "thoughtful" person I know, which I find too ironic because seemingly all of my time is spent in an incessantly intricate stream of consciousness. I don't know what I'm thinking about all of the time, but apparently it isn't about maintaining healthy relationships with the people I love. In essence, if you're my friend (platonically), you will probably almost never get a phone call or text message saying "Hey, how are you?... What's been going on?... What's new..." etc. [On the contrary, if you are of the male race and you've ever ignored me or "accidentally" forgotten to answer me, then I can attest that I probably relentlessly continued trying to contact you until, finally, my "out of sight, out of mind" mechanism kicked in; and if it didn't kick in, well, I'm sorry... I guess. I seem to be one of those who "likes the chase," although I've been informed that is usually a male characteristic, so I can't explain the source of that.] I also cannot for the life of me explain the aforementioned phenomenon, but I can assure you (friends) it has nothing to do with how much I love you.
I say all of that [which was probably unnecessary] to emphasize how much I care about the friends that I do choose to have, despite my lack of correspondence; and, lately, most of my friends have been leaving {to go on trips, or get a job, or get married, etc.}. Seriously, I could give a relatively long list. But the ones that won't be coming back are the ones that I'm writing to today. So this is my attempt at "thoughtfulness."
It all started with Meagan and Anna being the coolest people I knew in high school. Yep, I remember my first YL and getting to know you two over that next year and a half. You always made us feel special even though you both are the type of people who know everyone and constantly have someone competing for your attention because everyone loves you. You and all the other leaders showed us that being the person God made us to be (which means not sinning like a impulsive, uncontrollable heathen) is the way to live. Soon, we were all right there with you in college; and, when I did my whole attempt at YL Quest and found myself realizing how truly horrible I am at talking to people and making friends, Holly was right there to make me feel like less of a socially inept loser. And when Meagan, Anna, and Holly were all moving away, they didn't just abandon me; they gave me Hannah, because they knew I would need someone who's as awesome as they are to be a good influence on me.
Well now all 4 of you are in super serious relationships {married, getting married, or on your way to it} and you're all grown up... and it's weird. But seriously, Anna, I remember when you started dating Brian and when I got to hear about the newly romantic little details on the way to watch Hannah F.'s tennis match. And Meagan, I remember feeling privileged in knowing the ups and downs of that certain relationship you had that certain time... well now it seems that you got yourself a real winner! Woo! haha. And Holly I don't know your newly acquired fiance but he looks awesome, so congratulations :). And Hannah, well, I guess I kind of like Marc, I mean, he's okay. :D hahaha
This probably would've gone a lot better/shorter if I had just written each of you separately, but I don't think before I do things, so I'm gonna wrap it up. In conclusion, the time I had with y'all wasn't enough and never will be. I could never get enough of all of your wonderful selves and you'll always be "the coolest people I know." I'll always wish I had gotten more pictures with you and always wish I had known you even better, but God only gave us a certain amount of time and I thank Him every time I think of you guys because I wouldn't be the same person if I hadn't known you. You and I will probably never know how greatly you impacted my life but I'm just glad to be able to say I know you. : )

LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU!!!!!

It's Happening Again...

One of the tactics Satan uses to try and break me down when I'm doing my best to walk along the straight and narrow is bitterness. This bitterness, which I'm easily susceptible to,  has also been known to subsequently cause other defects in my behavior or sentiment. It's little whispers like "it's not worth it," "even the good ones suck at being friends," "this is boring me to death; there's nothing to do," etc., and I used to give in to those fallacies and go back to the "heavily traveled, wide road" where at least there was seemingly always something to do and someone to see. But not this time, Satan, because, yes, I am the "live and learn from your mistakes" kind of person; but, the thing is, I have "lived" and, more importantly, learned, more than enough times, and for this particular lesson, I think I'm good and done, thanks.

This has taken me a while to write because I couldn't decide what I actually wanted to write and what was probably best to leave out... And believe me, I've left out a lot, mostly words that would only come from that bitterness I was talking about; and, even if those words are true, it would probably only hurt people. But I will say this: I've never really been one to have to "swallow my pride" because I've never really had a problem with pride, which I consider a relatively good thing seeing as how God hates pride; BUT one thing that I have consistently lacked throughout my life is self-respect, and that is one thing that I am probably going to be working on for the rest of my life.
So how about we let this be my first official example of my initiative to actively demonstrate respect for myself:
I'm not putting myself "out there" with this certain "group" of people anymore, because after trying time and time again to establish my own relationship with you and not continue relying on the mutual one we have through my actual friends, I'm done. I know I won't see you or hear from you until our mutual friends return home from their summer missions. I'm sure we'll all inevitably end up at the same place and I'll try to pretend like I think you're amusing or interesting at all and like we have anything in common other than the fact that we're Christians and are doing our best to be good ones. But clearly you're not interested in me or my friendship since there has been no effort to communicate on your part, therefore, I'll stop trying to establish one.

P.S. I know (partly from your lack of concern for me) that you won't even read/see this, but I feel better just having written it down. See ya when I see ya.

In conclusion, this is not bitterness and, no, I have not given into those temptations. Things are not black and white, and just because people aren't perfect doesn't mean I should give up on trying to live my life the way God has intended. People will never be perfect and they will always let you down, but God won't, because He is perfect. So I'm continuing this relatively well behaved streak that I have going and I'm doing it for God, because I want to please Him, not people.

Lions, and Tigers, and Bears...

... OH!.......... and elephants, and maned wolves, and chimpanzees, and snakes... But I digress...

They were pretty lackadaisical...

But who wouldn't be in this
forsaken heat.

Two of the shenanigans that Clayton and I got into this weekend were a visit to the zoo and a visit to Redneckville, or, more specifically, shooting guns with Clayton's brother and his friend. I had never shot a shotgun before, so that was a new experience. They're not kidding when they say it kicks... Say I did have good aim and did know what I was doing, well by the time I pull the trigger, that's all gone to crap. It kicks me so far off balance that the chance those little pellets have of even grazing that skeet is so remote, it's unfair. Where they're going and where that little soaring skeet is going are so ghastly transverse, it's kind of scary. Now, to clarify, I was made aware about 3/4 of the way through that I had been looking through the wrong eye (closing the wrong one). Upon correcting this, I was astonished at how much easier it was to aim... but I still missed, despite shooting 3 consecutive rounds at the same fleeting target... But hey, Clayton got one!... using that same overkill method, I believe... At least it worked for somebody.

I can't rightly say, sir. Just us feeding
our narcissism's appetite.

Anonymous

I don’t want to say that I hate you or that I’ve wasted my time, because I haven’t really wasted any of my time, nor do I hate you. If anything, you know that I love you, but not the way that one would probably assume, rather the only way I can, the only way you've allowed. People ask me, “What do you see in [this person]? Why do you like [this person]?” and I honestly can never give a definitive answer. All I know is that I do see something in you.

I would not characterize myself as an especially intuitive person, because I think that if I were, my past “relationships” would have more to show for it. In fact, I would even suggest that I deceive myself of certain, relatively obvious truths by maintaining a little too much “hope” (even if just subconscious) and having watched a little too many Disney fairy tales growing up. Unfortunately, the fact is, most girls fall victim to that same misconception of “happily ever after,” so I’m not so unusual in that way.

Therefore, I’m not saying that I see something in you that no one else does or that can’t be found unless looked for. What I am saying is that, somehow, I know you are capable of great things: great love, great change, great motion, great importance, and great influence. I’m not referring to this "greatness" in a general sense like “everyone has a purpose and can be great if they follow God’s will.” No. I’m being explicitly comparative when I say that you have the capability of being greater than a lot of other people.

But, no, for some reason, you refuse to get out of your own way. You revel and wallow in your self-hatred because it gives you some sort of ridiculous “excuse” to remain pseudo-apathetic/vacuous and immobile. “Oh, I’m a bad person, so you can’t expect me to behave with decency/respect and act right” is, in effect, how you are living your life. You avoid anything that you don’t want to face, even if it’s not truly frightening. You run away from and ignore something so easily fixable, consequently creating more of a mess than if you had just faced it to begin with.

It’s pathetic… pitiable really, which I would argue is why I haven’t let you be for all this time. I couldn’t stand by and do nothing while watching you dig yourself deeper and deeper into that frustratingly avoidant hole of yours. Even if I risked looking foolish, psychopathic (the accusation of which would render my inherent exoneration upon applying the definition), obsessive, pathetic, delusional, or completely lacking in any self-worth or respect, I had to do something. I had to communicate this truth to you.

However, during this time, I’ve also been habitually trying to communicate to my own self that I would not and will not be able to save you from yourself.  That’s between you and God, which I’ve been trying to acquiesce. I’ve prayed for you over and over again, imploring that He not leave you alone no matter how far you run, and that His voice in your head will not be silent until you have surrendered.  I know your soul is saved, but the quality of your life isn’t. Don’t settle.

I swear that I have not said any of this out of spite, but only out of the interminable and relentless burden I feel concerning you. Most of the time, I wish that I didn’t care at all, because it would make a lot more sense for me not to care considering our “relationship,” if that’s what you would call it. But no matter how much time passes without any reciprocated correspondence or face-to-face interaction, it never softens the sting and never dulls the distress I feel when I'm reminded of you.

I didn’t get to know you near as much as I would have liked to nor as much as the privileges I’ve taken in all of these assumptions would suggest. But I know what you allowed me to know and that is what has haunted me. 

This Magic Moment...

So, last weekend (Memorial Day Weekend) Clayton and I volunteered to work at this camp called Magic Moments which convenes this time every year on Lake Martin at Children's Harbor. I was told that the camp was established as a place for children, who have had their wish granted through the Make-a-Wish Foundation, to vacation every year with their families until they are 18; if any of this second-hand knowledge is false, don't blame me for it. Anyway, needless to say, it was an amazing 4 days during which Clayton and I both made a lot of new friends and got to spend ample amounts of quality time with our two favorite 3 and 6 year olds. Unfortunately, I forgot to bring my camera; so, the only pictures I have are from my phone or from our Texan friend's 1980s camera (love you Nathan)... (you too Timmy). Here are some captured moments:

1-3= Me, Bailey, & Virginia
as Batman and Wonder Woman
4= Virginia in Timmy's glasses
5= Clayton with a baby that
she almost legitimately abducted.

That dashingly handsome young man
is Brett, our eager/willing, not-at-all
reluctant prom date.

I almost learned how to "Dougie" andddd I won my first DJ Ozz t-shirt in 20 years, at which point I was made aware by the words "Good effort" that this was indeed a "pity prize" and was probably aimed to be some sort of bribe to get me to stop dancing and making a fool out of myself. But making a fool out of myself is what I'm good at; so, did I take that unsolicited advice to heart and stop dancing?... NO, because these boots were made for dancing and that's just what they do... ( n.b. I was wearing cowgirl boots).
*Libel Disclaimer: "The views expressed by this author do not necessarily reflect the views of this website..."and the content is irrefutably an opinion. I hereby declare that I have no "malice" towards anyone mentioned heretofore and may have embellished most of my accounts for an effectively climactic denouement.