One of the tactics Satan uses to try and break me down when I'm doing my best to walk along the straight and narrow is bitterness. This bitterness, which I'm easily susceptible to, has also been known to subsequently cause other defects in my behavior or sentiment. It's little whispers like "it's not worth it," "even the good ones suck at being friends," "this is boring me to death; there's nothing to do," etc., and I used to give in to those fallacies and go back to the "heavily traveled, wide road" where at least there was seemingly always something to do and someone to see. But not this time, Satan, because, yes, I am the "live and learn from your mistakes" kind of person; but, the thing is, I have "lived" and, more importantly, learned, more than enough times, and for this particular lesson, I think I'm good and done, thanks.
This has taken me a while to write because I couldn't decide what I actually wanted to write and what was probably best to leave out... And believe me, I've left out a lot, mostly words that would only come from that bitterness I was talking about; and, even if those words are true, it would probably only hurt people. But I will say this: I've never really been one to have to "swallow my pride" because I've never really had a problem with pride, which I consider a relatively good thing seeing as how God hates pride; BUT one thing that I have consistently lacked throughout my life is self-respect, and that is one thing that I am probably going to be working on for the rest of my life.
So how about we let this be my first official example of my initiative to actively demonstrate respect for myself:
I'm not putting myself "out there" with this certain "group" of people anymore, because after trying time and time again to establish my own relationship with you and not continue relying on the mutual one we have through my actual friends, I'm done. I know I won't see you or hear from you until our mutual friends return home from their summer missions. I'm sure we'll all inevitably end up at the same place and I'll try to pretend like I think you're amusing or interesting at all and like we have anything in common other than the fact that we're Christians and are doing our best to be good ones. But clearly you're not interested in me or my friendship since there has been no effort to communicate on your part, therefore, I'll stop trying to establish one.
P.S. I know (partly from your lack of concern for me) that you won't even read/see this, but I feel better just having written it down. See ya when I see ya.
In conclusion, this is not bitterness and, no, I have not given into those temptations. Things are not black and white, and just because people aren't perfect doesn't mean I should give up on trying to live my life the way God has intended. People will never be perfect and they will always let you down, but God won't, because He is perfect. So I'm continuing this relatively well behaved streak that I have going and I'm doing it for God, because I want to please Him, not people.
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